A Terrifying Glimpse of Things to Come

I think it wouldn’t be fair to call myself a movie buff, since I hate far too many of the films that “critics” consider the best, but I still watch a lot of movies. So far this year, for example, I have seen over 180 movies, and by December 31st I wouldn’t be surprised if that number passed 250.

I had heard recently that a major strike is expected sometime next year by members of the various writers’ and actors’ guilds, and, in preparation, they are fast-tracking many productions to avoid disruption. Then, last night I came across a list of films that studios have green-lighted, and are expected to be ready before any labor action. The titles include some genuinely surprising adaptations, like Atlas Shrugged (which I cannot imagine being condensed into movie form, much less a cinematic narrative) and, less impressively, many, many remakes and TV show rip-offs, to wit:

  • Alice (presumably based on Alice in Wonderland)
  • Escape from Witch Mountain
  • A Christmas Carol
  • Porky’s
  • The A-Team
  • The Day the Earth Stood Still
  • Fantastic Voyage
  • Escape from New York
  • Sex and the City
  • Capricorn One
  • Voltron
  • GI Joe
  • Castlevania
  • 20,000 Leagues
  • Fantasy Island
  • Barbarella
  • Creature from the Black Lagoon
  • Land of the Lost

And, most depressingly:

  • Clash of the Titans

Why? I can see that Castlevania is due, and maybe GI Joe, but they’ll never do half these movies as well. Barbarella? They’ll pick some big name starlet, and they’ll try to make it seem serious, and it will be no fun at all. Porky’s? I’d bet money that it won’t have the the original film’s best scene, the only scene in the whole movie worth watching.

There were dozens of other movies whose titles I couldn’t identify, and some of them may be remakes, but most of them are probably original ideas. Still, that anyone would dream of remaking Clash of the Titans makes me pretty unhappy, because it could never be as good. I’m sure I’ll write more about this in the future.

Filed under: Film on September 18th, 2007

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