danajohnhill.org | Hard Times Come Again No More

ORLANDO – Orlando is the worst place to drive. And the day after Thanksgiving is the worst day to go shopping. So what did I do this year? Went shopping in Orlando the day after Thanksgiving. Actually, it was for a very good cause. Our close friends Kat and Harris were married in a lovely ceremony only a week before (more on that later), and we wanted to give them a worthy gift.

Now, as you may recall, earlier this year I built Mrs. Hill a whole new kitchen, and when it was finished I wished she might have some quality cookware to enjoy. So, on a trip to Charlotte over the summer we paid a visit to the Le Creuset store in, of all places, Yemassee, South Carolina. Le Creuset is a French company that makes enameled cast iron cookware. I saw an episode of How It’s Made once where they showed the production of a Le Creuset Dutch oven, and it was amazing. And somehow, in spite of my relative lack of enthusiasm for cuisine, I had actually heard of the brand. I somehow knew that Le Creuset was known for lasting a long time. A lifetime, really. So it didn’t take much to convince me that this was something I wanted Miriam to have. I just didn’t expect to personally get as much use out of it. I now cook almost exclusively with one of the pieces we brought home that day, and it is marvelous. I say all this to make the next part of the story more clear.

Whether it was from our testimonials or not, our close friend Kat expressed a wish for a nice new Dutch oven, especially since one she owned previously, but made by another company, had been recalled by the manufacturer for a potentially dangerous defect. Miriam took a mental note of this, and on the day after Thanksgiving, six days after Kat’s wedding, Mrs. Hill and I found ourselves on our way to the Le Creuset store in Orlando. The problem for us was that everyone else in the country apparently had the same idea. I cannot possibly convey the enormity of the traffic. We moved inches at a time. Pedestrians on the sidewalk appeared to move away from us so quickly that I think I noticed a red shift. When we at last reached the entrance of the shopping mall, we found the police had barricaded the street; no one was getting through. Imagine the busiest football game day in the history of Gainesville, where cars park anywhere they can make room, where pedestrians cross the street where ever they feel like it, and where police tape restricts access to the very places you wish to go. Imagine that, and then imagine much worse. Miriam had to jump out of the car at an intersection and proceed on foot to the store while I tried my best not to get smashed by the insane drivers determined to reach their goal if it killed them. Cars covered the median and shoulder of the road, and people openly defied no parking signs to secure a small bit of real estate. Miriam emerged from the nightmare unscathed, and with a beautiful turquoise blue Dutch oven she was sure Kat would love. I was shaken. “I am never coming here again”, I vowed. I think I even shook my fist.

We proceeded on to Miriam’s parents’ house, and the next day, as we were enjoying an afternoon at Walt Disney World, Miriam received a textual message from Kat, who was on her way home from Richmond, where her wedding had taken place. “I just got a turquoise Le Creuset Dutch oven at a store in North Carolina”, it read. I died a little, but it was actually kind of funny. Miriam is such a good gift giver that she knew exactly what the bride would have purchased herself given the chance. And she did.

So, it’s back to the nightmare for us to exchange a Dutch oven for a skillet. It’s a good thing Kat and Harris are such wonderful people.

Filed under: Food, Friends, House, Transportation on November 27th, 2011 | No Comments »

CANADYS, SOUTH CAROLINA – This gas station, with its armed security guard, is surely the busiest thing in this tiny town. I am here to put some air in the spare tire I just drove in on, which itself was installed beneath a billion stars on the side of a dark and terrifyingly hectic Interstate 95. No one was injured, thank God, but the blow-out was substantial. We—Miriam, me, and our good friend Kaitlyn (who we call “Canada”)—are handling it remarkably well, and remain in good spirits. No flat tire can dull our joy after this weekend in Richmond, where we saw our close friends Kat and Harris get married.

That story is still to come.

Filed under: Friends, Transportation, Travel on November 20th, 2011 | No Comments »

Today is Veteran’s Day, and I am pleased to see it so widely observed. My grandfather was a veteran, my father-in-law is a veteran, my brother-in-law is a veteran, and a couple close friends are veterans, too. Happy Veteran’s Day to them.

Filed under: Special Occasions on November 11th, 2011 | No Comments »

I’ve watched The Simpsons since the very first episode, decades ago. Like many fans of the show, I would say the series reached its zenith some time around 1993-1995. I thought the program was becoming stale as early as the late 1990s, and since then I have found myself thinking it would not be too bad a thing if the series came to an end, if only to preserve its reputation.

But it never fails that at least once a season the writers of The Simpsons give us something inspired – something that lives up to the high standards the show set in its better seasons. Last night’s episode, “Replacable You”, was outstanding, and a splendid reminder of how the show used to make me laugh until my guts hurt.

Filed under: Comedy, Television on November 7th, 2011 | No Comments »

I will give it to you straight because you all deserve the truth. This morning, after more than sixteen years of not vomiting, my winning streak came to a sudden and surprising end.

It all began last Saturday when I first felt the sore throat that Mrs. Hill had been complaining about for the preceding week. Actually, my pain was less in my throat and more in my sinuses, where I felt a strong stinging sensation. By Monday the pain was gone, and all that was left was some congestion. By yesterday I actually felt fine, though I still had a minor cough. Miriam, concerned that I was not getting well enough fast enough, urged me to take some medicine this morning before I left for work. I swallowed the pill and got on my bicycle. About a third of the way through my ride I felt that unmistakable feeling of acute nausea. Noooo! I forgot to take the pill with food!

I was pedaling my bike at my normal pace when I had to suddenly jump off, and I began heaving. I had eaten nothing since the night before, so my stomach was empty. There was nothing to throw up, strictly speaking. I just heaved and heaved, and it felt awful. I got back on the bike, distraught, knowing I wasn’t close enough to any place where I could quickly eat something to calm my stomach. I pressed on, choosing a route I thought would shield me from the disgusted gaze of passing motorists. When I reached the corner of University Avenue and 15th Street, I had no place to hide from the unmerciful eyes of Florida football fans, eagerly awaiting the Homecoming game, but anxious over a potential loss to Vanderbilt. Fortunately, I didn’t have another attack. When I got up to my office, my coworker Melanie gave me some animal crackers from her secret stash. She has a massive stockpile of foodstuffs in a cabinet, perhaps in preparation for the inevitable zombie apocalypse. I worried that I had a live show to host in an hour-and-a-half, and puking on-air would not be good. I briefly considered calling my guest to cancel. But Melanie sent me off to lie down with a blanket (also from her Doomsday stockpile). In a short while I felt normal, and I proceeded with the show as planned.

So, let word go forth to all people in all nations: sixteen vomitless years have come to an end. Unless you want to say that what happened today was just dry heaving, in which case it still stands. Let’s say this. Dana John Hill – Sixteen Years Vomit-Free*.

*If you don’t count dry heaving.

Filed under: Health, Work on November 5th, 2011 | 3 Comments »